What would RTH do?

That is the question.

If I were in a highschool yearbook, they would vote me most likely to die of a lynch mob. That does not prevent me from opening my mouth and serving a warm hearty cup of STFU to people who deserve it. My dark scathing humor will leave no matter of existence untouched. My innocence will touch your soul.

Welcome to a warped world turned inside out and upside down. All sorts of discretion advised.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Dr. RTH: Come Flu with me

Or how you will stop worrying about the swine flu and learn to love it.

Right now you are probably running around like chicken with your head cut off. There is a tickle in your throat, and you wonder is it here. That Mexican garbage collector was away for a week, you wonder if he had traveled to Mexico and back in a shipment of pigs to visit his family. You do not like the fact that Taco Bell has many shady Mexican employees, who could have been in Mexico sometime in their lifetime. So in short, you are afraid, very, very afraid.

Chillax! Don't worry, be happy.

Look at it this way

Unemployed people could die, that would drop unemployment rate. Maybe people will die and create jobs vacancies for the unemployment. That would also reduce unemployment rate. More importantly mother nature could do with less people.

No spring in your spring break on account of the economy. Now you can look forward to party in Cancun. Flights are cheap, hotels are cheap, and the beaches will be devoid of pesky teens. Yeah there is a risk of that flu thingie, but you will flu right through it.

After all its just a flu.....

And if it becomes a pandemic like those scary people say it will be

You could start a sweatshop making fake green masks. Hopefully, the person who could sue you will die. Maybe you can start a prayer circle and charge for it. You could start your own voodoo medical practice. Crush random leaves and berries and infuse them with teas as remedies. If you are Christian blame it on the homosexuals. Its all because Iowa allowed those fags to marry. If you are Nazi blame it on Obama. Its all because we have a black president. If you are American blame it on the Indian elections. No country can host democratic elections that are larger than USA without the permission of our great nation. This is Gods way of punishing our lack of oversight.

And if it becomes really bad like the black death

It will be just like the disaster movies. If only viruses would mutate to create flesh eating zombies and bloodsucking vampires. Then we tote our guns and have some kick ass fun. Anyways we could start creating catacombs under our cities. We could create intricate patterns with skulls that have no meaning. Write nonsensical graffiti on the wall. Invent strange burial rituals and hope that the future generations will have their minds totally fucked trying to decipher them.

Hopefully, by this time the economy is crashed and is in a shit pile. Life is all good as we walk out every day gather some wood and berries, toast a squirrel on the fire and enjoy some moonshine. Lather rinse repeat.

Disclaimer: Dr. RTH was born and brought up in Bombay. RTH water from the taps, ate food off the streets (sometimes off the asphalt too), RTH & friends shared bottles, plates, stuff and all sorts of cooties all the time. RTH school abscence record has a bout of influenza every quarter.
RTH can consume nuclear waste and have enough energy to break out into a mass choregraphed Bollywood dance routine. RTH can fly like a bird, moo like a cow, eat like a pig and pretend to be human. RTH superhuman powers and exposure to all sorts of germs give her immunity. RTH gets influenza two to three times a year and recovers. Influezna is a dear part of RTH's flesh and blood.

Moral of the story: Stop living in a fucking bubble. Your immune system needs practice before it takes on the big boys like swine flu. If you have no training, the big boys like swine flu will kick your ass and you will be fucked. Train your immune system - forget to wash your hands, let your kids sneeze in your face, eat more Taco Bell, forget to wash your glasses, share food of a plate with a stranger, play beer pong, make out with someone who is down with the flu. Share the germ, spread the love.

Exception: Hand sanitizers cos they are cool and funky and feel awesome on your hands.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Dear Prom Committe

I wanted to be honest with you and let you know that your theme of Victorian Masquerade for the senior prom is quite lame. Many people do not know who Victor and Masquer are, so they following will not be attending their senior prom because of the lame theme you have chosen.

Bishie_Boi (Cosplay Club)
One_Ring (LOTR Fan Club)
Iwannafuckcaptainjameskirk (Star Wars Fan Club)
Ho_Down (Country Club)
Yellow_Submarine (Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club)
Razor_Ramon (YMCA)
VW_2 (Hippie Club)
MaryPickford (Roaring Twenties Club)
Avada_Kedarva (Club Voldemort)
Sexy_Wolf (Club Lupin)
I_LOVE_FELTON (Club Draco)
HarryPotter (Club Harry)
Wizards=Sin (The Christians against Harry Potter Club)

I understand that the prom committee conducted a student poll and many of us did not participate to let you know what theme we wanted. However, that is besides the point. I know Victorian costumes are expensive. But cost is not the matter here. I would have spent money to buy a Utena or Spock outfit, but whats the point if my friends cannot be Anthy or Kirk. We could all collectively dress like Victor's Ian, but that is besides the point too.

I know as editor of the school paper I promised a full page advertisement for the prom. But only if the democratically chosen theme was one that my friends agreed on. But the school paper is not the point here.

I am considering organizing my own anti-prom dance for people who cannot attend your lame prom. All I need to do is get 50% of these people to agree to one theme. My democratic processes will be more betterly democratic than yours. I think it might be Harry Potter, But Harry Potter and Voldemort do not get along. But that is also besides the point.

So I don't know what the point really is, but thats beside the point to. So consider this as an anti RSVP to your lame invitation.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

The Flight of the Thornbird

The young fledgling soared across the sky in search of the perfect thorn. It knew not what a thorn was. No clue on how to find it or what it looked like. Yet the fledgling flew confident of finding its destination. To find that perfect thorn that would pierce its heart and enable it to fill the skies with the most beautiful melody. A song fit for the God's of the sun and stars.

One day it came across, a jagged edge from the mountains reaching out towards the skies. The Thornbird found itself fascinated and drawn. It knew not if it was a thorn, but it sure filled its heart with a magical song waiting to be heard. Should it sweep down and pierce the heart the fledgling wondered. However, the flock cried out, "Oh young fledgling, thats not a thorn, its just a rock". The song in its heart, was drowned out by a painful echo of shattering cliffs. "If you were not a rock, but a thorn, I would sing my heart's song for you" cried the fledgling and flew on.

The fledgling now a young bird, flew into an old oak savanna. Somewhere in the vast expanse of these shrubs and bushes, lay hidden its thorn of destiny, the Thornbird was convinced. One day under the stately blue oak, amidst the auburn colors of red in the dirt, the bird spotted a tender spear. "Are you a thorn?" inquired the bird. The young spear trembled in the wind and whimpered "I know not who I am, I could be a thorn, but I'm just a child, I need to grow".

Resolute that it had found its thorn, the destiny of its life, the bird nested in the tall oak to nurture its thorn. It would swoop down over the animals that would threaten to trample the tender shoot, it pecked upon the insects that would pierce the roots of its thorn. Autumn and winter had past and the spring sun beat down on the savanna. The tender little spear spiralled four feet into the sky. On a summer's eve the spear called upon the thornbird. The Thornbird felt its heart swell with song. Melody drifted through the winds as it fluttered its wings in a gentle descent. Soon the sky would echo with song, as the thorn would spear its heart.

The tall spear and its companions rippled in the wind and shimmered green and gold. Spoke the spear softly "Dear bird, I thank you for your love and affection. I wish I were a thorn, but I am but a mere needle of grass. I want to stand stiff and true, and pierce your heart with my blade. But I am afraid that I cannot do it, for I am just a needle of grass and I would bend and break"

Tears filled its eyes as the bird let out a cry and flew to the skies. Wildly flapping its wings, the Thornbird flew for days. Never stopping for wind, rain or storm. It flew through the wooded forests, and across burning prairies. It flew over mossy streams and crystalline lakes. It flew over barren sands and lush meadows.

The Thornbird was a mature bird now. It had flown across the world in vain searching for its thorn. It now fluttered aimlessly through the shady forest singing the songs of its journey. It sang songs of the chakor that swam up in the moonlight, striving to reach the moon someday. It sang songs about the noble gryphon selflessly protecting the lands. It sang of the self sacrificing phoenix that would emerge from its own ashes.

One day the Thornbird was pecking the ground for worms and seed, when it came across an unusual seedling. Dark and smooth like an onyx with a bright yellow eye. A yellow tendril scratched the earth trying to dig into the earth as the wind cruelly pried it away. Taking pity on the seedling, picked it up in its beak and flew into a clearing. It pecked a hole in the ground and gently dropped it in.

"Thanks!" cried the seedling "My name is Acacia, I come from a beautiful land, far far away in the heart of the dark continent. The winds never like the seeds of a strange land taking root amidst its whispering pines". The Thornbird chirped joyfully "Fear not dear Acacia, the wind dares not blow here, it fears the tall cliffs here".

The Thornbird and Acacia soon became friends. They shared stories of their travels and adventures. The Thornbird sang about its adventures, while Acacia unveiled the wondrous tales of mystique and magic in the dark continent". In the company of the Thornbird Acacia grew taller and stronger.

Then one day Acacia stopped growing and began to wither away. First the Thornbird approached the cliffs "Oh great cliffs, have you betrayed your song let the winds breakdown my friend". "We stand true and strong" retorted the cliffs "The winds chip at us and destroy our glory, but we stand tall and do not let them through" Then the Thornbird chided the gazelles "I fly through the skies to find you the most fragrant berries, yet you feed on my friend". The leader of the gazelles leapt forward and said "Thornbird, we would never betray our true friend. I'm hurt that you chide us for my flock would never feed on a thorn tree"

"A thorn tree" the bird exclaimed in alarm, flapping its wings hard flew to its beloved Acacia. How could it have not known. The bird may have given up on destiny, but destiny had not given up on the bird. How fitting that the most beautiful song of them all, be sung for its beloved Acacia. "Acacia, my love" the bird chirped "You cannot wither away, you have to grow strong and tall for me. For it is in your thorns, I shall pierce my heart and sing you the most beautiful song in the world. I can feel the melody swelling in my heart. You have heard the song of the Gryphon and Chakor, of doves and eagles, of songbirds across the world, but the song that will burst out with the prick of your thorn is unlike any you have ever heard before".

"My friend Thornbird" replied Acacia "that is what I fear. I am a thorn tree and you are a thornbid. Destiny has written us to be. However, friend as much as my branches yearn to grow and pierce your heart to revel in the song that was made for me; I do love all the songs you sing to me. The song of the gryphon, the chakor, the doves, eagles and the songbirds. I cannot bear a world without these melodious songs lighting up everyday. I have no care for the ultimate song written by destiny for me, I only want my Thornbird to be with me forever. I shall not grow to bear thorn"

"But you shall die if you refuse to grow, and I shall have no one to sing. Beloved Acacia, if I promise I shall never pierce my heart upon your thorn, would you please grow and live for me" cried the Thornbird.

So Acacia the thorntree grew tall and strong. Amidst her delicate yellow flowers, that filled the air with sweet fragrance of the frothy white nile, she grew dark and beautiful deadly thorns. The Thornbird looked at them with longing. Its heart ached to have the thorn pierce through its flesh. The Thornbird thought the agony of longing would drive it to insanity. Whenever it stood on Acacias branches to sing for her, it felt like jumping onto the alluring thorns. However, it always remembered its promise to Acacia. The Thornbird loved Acacia so much that it could never bear to break her heart.

Everytime temptation called, the thornbird would fill its heart with Acacia's love. One spring eve the Thornbird felt a temptation so dire, that it mustered up all the love and memories it had of Acacia. Then something unexpected and surprising happened. The Thornbirds felt its heart welling up with its magical song. Its wings flitted to the rhythm and its whole body was pulsating with the ultimate song. It felt a stab in the heart and soard to the skies filling the evening with the magical song of the Thornbird. The Thornbird flew across the forest singing its song of love for Acacia. The creatures of the forest began to dance to the song in a frenzy, the cliffs forgot to hold their own and crumbled letting the wind through. Even the mighty wind forgot its destruction and casually flew across the forest whistling its tune.

The Thornbird sang louder and heartier as it realized the most beautiful truth of its life. There was no need for a thorn, the song was always there in its heart. Acacia smiled at the broken upon her branch, the thorn that had accidentally grazed the chest of her Thornbird. She laughed at how she had misunderstood their destiny. The thorn had changed nothing at all. Once she was in the thornbird's heart, the thorn meant nothing at all.

Moral of the story: Sometimes you cannot help but sing? There is always a thorn in the side?
People actually read through stories about birds and trees? Have you heard this tale before? Please share what you learned, I am curious..............

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Powerless!!

There are those days you feel on top of the world, days filled with joy, love and hope. Then there are those days where you hurt. The fact that you are human makes you sick to the core and you want to hurl. An eerie feeling of desiring to crawl out of your own skin and vanish into nothing. That feeling where there is no good left, just bitter oblivion.

Today as I was surfing the news online, I came across a news article that made my heart ache and brought tears to my eyes. Everyday, I read stories about rapes, murders, war, crime, recession, depression and all that good stuff and I can sustain through without batting an eye. However, I am inherently flawed and this story took its toll.

Lucy a two year old Weimaraner was hit by a car after she slipped from her home. The driver did not give a damn and just drove on. That was not the worst though. Some moronic hero assuming himself to be some great gift of god thought it was in the best interest of Lucy to hit her with a hammer to bludgeon her to death. After suffering the beating she was shot by the sherrif's aide. Hopefully, the served as a soothing final respite from an excruciatingly prolonged and mayhap needless death. It just broke me down from within.

It ushered back painful memories as a twelve year old child, watching a hapless puppy being bludgeoned to death. Not with any club or ordinary stones, but a stick with nails. All because the dog was rabid. Sometimes on those bad nights we have, I still hear those heartwrenching yelps. I find myself seething with rage of all the passersby, who stood and watched.

I don't believe in altering fate. Whenever, people ask me what I would change in my life my answer is nothing. My life is perfect. However, if I really could have one shot at altering fate I would ask to go back to that fateful day. Have God grant my twelve year old self the courage to run out of the house, grab the stick from the man and whack him in the balls with it. If it the nails pierce my vitals, so be it.

We argue over administering lethal doses to terminally ill and pyschotically dangerous people, let alone beat them to death. We would not dream of bludgeoning a victim of a hit and run. I think the least we can do is let an animal die with dignity.

Although, I have to say there is some hope and fairness left in the cosmic justice. As horrible as it sounds, my seemingly innocent twelve year old soul took a lot of immense pleasure over the death of a human. A human who died all alone, far away from home on business. A human who suffered a massive heart attack, with no one to give a damn about it. A human who died and no one cared or noticed till the stench of his rotting corpse displeasured some noses. The force has an uncanny way of balancing itself.

Needless to say, I came home and wrapped myself around Aria giving her a big squeezing bear hug. As usual she was being a loud obnoxious pain and I told her off, but I still had to hold her close. I even kissed my Lucky Lee and the stinky Nikki Chan and the lazy fat ass Maxwell Fettucie.

As a human I know I am inherently flawed that my soul stirs for these animals more than it will for any human. I know its probably warped that I detest infants, and consider Aria as my beloved baby girl. But thats the way I am, and I truly believe that this is just another way how the force balances itself.

The truth too is there is something that you get back that no human can ever give or even has the capacity to give - Unconditional love. A pet does not care whether you are rich or poor, smart or stupid, important or nobody. No matter what happens whenever you come home they are always there waiting to say "I'm so glad your back. Welcome home. I love you. I missed you."

Seriously....how can you not fall in love with this adorable droopy face. I already feel much better now, because I am so lucky to have this family.