What would RTH do?

That is the question.

If I were in a highschool yearbook, they would vote me most likely to die of a lynch mob. That does not prevent me from opening my mouth and serving a warm hearty cup of STFU to people who deserve it. My dark scathing humor will leave no matter of existence untouched. My innocence will touch your soul.

Welcome to a warped world turned inside out and upside down. All sorts of discretion advised.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

The truth about homosexuality

This Saturday we had a flyer stuck into our mailbox. It was quite a promising looking piece of paper. Some kind hearted church group was generous enough to spend hard earned money to print thousands of these little papers so that we all should know the truth. It was very hot that day too. They must have walked down the street with such determination to pass on God's message.

I was thrilled and ecstatic. It's not everyday you hear from God. See God does not talk to unimportant people. Thats why we unimportant people are unaware of God's wishes. So we need kind hearted church groups to pass on the message.

My sister was the one who picked it first, so she sat down to read first. I was appalled to see her start ripping it apart. Such disrespect for a message from God. Then she explained that the paper must have been exposed to the rain Thursday night. The glue had spread all over sealing it shut and impossible to open without ripping it to shreds.

Convinced that a second set of hands with more conviction would do the trick, I took it in my own hands. Jesus Fucking Christ, it wouldn't open. It was really frustrating. Like having a whore, who would not spread her legs even though you paid the full price. Such disappointing behavior for a message from God.

That evening when I took my dog for a walk she found a piece of paper in a pile of lawn clippings. When I said drop it, she spat it out right away as if she just had molten plastic and poop souffle in her mouth. Even that half crushed pine cone seemed to have been more exciting. If you know my dog, you know that she does not spit things back out that easy.

My joy knew no bounds. It was an actual dry readable copy of God's message. The truth about homosexuality. However, I was very disappointed when I finally read it. So many untruths and lies. And I'm not just talking about the fact that gays will burn in hell, and homosexuality is a beastly filthy habit, because these things are a scientifically proven fact. The same guy who proved the existance of God, heaven and hell proved these. I would not question such a wise man. What bothers me is the lies about our founding fathers, the constitution, the laws of the land. I just studied American government and politics and could not take the lies.

Then I thought to myself......

The heavens unleashed rain on these flyers to make them unreadable.

The only readable copy I could find was discarded with a pile of lawn clippings and almost chewed by a dog.

Even the dog spat it out, and I trust their instints.

I think the heavens are trying to tell me something. This is not a message from God, but a bunch of lies. God saved my neighborhood from the lies, but God is busy....so you may have to save yourself.

The next time someone sends you a flyer claiming to tell you the truth about homoexuality. Letting you know why the recent surge to grant equitable marriage rights to all is absolutely, totally wrong. They will claim to be passing on God's message.......but is it really what God wants us to hear.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Funnier Said than done....

A while back my friend and I came up with the brilliant concept of a book called 'Cooking with Baby'. It was inspired by the Family Circle and Food Network's cooking with kids week. However, you see it was not about cooking with baby, it was about cooking with baby. Like in baby as an ingredient. There, all you people with a soul just twisted your noses up in disgust. One of you pure minded people must have said a little prayer that I cook in hell fire for such a horrible inhumane idea.

Jesus! You really would not skewer a baby and stick it in the rotisserie would you. I'm not sure if I pity Jonathan Swift more for the criticism he endured or the people who took 'A modest proposal' seriously. The frustrating thing is that most people just don't get sarcasm and the likes or they take it too seriously.

Irony is the greatest weapon of rhetoric, and sarcasm is the sharpest blade in it's armory. Its a beautiful blade actually. Very small, very simple, extremely delicate and intricate. Unlike most weapons, sarcasm is not really to kill or severely wound. Its a quick sharp slice that merely reminds people of a simple little fact 'sharp objects cut'.

A lot of people get offended by sarcasm or take it as an insult. Some people take it that sarcastic people are being pig headed and obnoxious. Then there are the wannabes who think you are being sarcastic when you ask for a glass of water. Haha yeah right, you were soooo thirsty right, that you just had to ask for water.

Anyways, sarcasm ought to be taken for what its worth. It is a means of pointing out the absurdities in our life. A way of forcing us to rethink the way we think and reimagine the way we perceive the world. Stop taking it literally.

Cake or Death?

I call it the cake or death test in honor of Eddie Izzard, but its a test that I devised during my tenure as a supervisor to identify worthy people. Ask them "Can I poke you in the eye, with my pen?" The average human will react why, or tell you to stop being ridiculous, some may argue with you. If you are exerting authority like I did in my position, people will accuse you of abusing authority. Worthless simple minded people these lot are. As Mr. T would say, I pity the fool.

Here are three answers that I thought were gems, and highlight people who are worthy.

"Ok" That which yields is not always weak. The one who will willingly allow you to cause them harm, is a fatale to be watch for.

"How do you propose to get past my glasses" Awareness. One must be aware that people are not always capable of doing, what they propose to do. Don't judge the bite by the bark and vice versa.

"If you do that, I will ruin your teams performance stats?" Comeback. You can always renegotiate a status quo. No one is powerless, and there always is a bargaining chip.

So Cake or Death?

Its not whether you choose cake or death, its how you can overcome dichotomies.

As Kirk would say, there is no such thing as a no-win situation.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Curiouser & Curiouser

There are many reasons I want to be a millionaire. I just want to keep poking the bear. I doubt if the world would benefit from it though.

For one, I want to buy real estate. Single family homes to be precise. Then rent them out. When election comes, I'm going uproot all Democrat signs with Republicans and vice versa. For those who get smart on me, it will be Paris Hilton for President or something of that shizzle.

One of my life goals is to break down the hospital where I was born and build a temple in my honor there. The creative freedom to make my own God's is one of the most valuable lessons I learned in life. My mom and dad find this goal amusing. This will cause my sister who was also born there, demand the freedom to create her own God. My parents know very well that this is what I am hoping for. I single handedly want to boost the construction industry with people tearing and rebuilding.

I think I've also wanted to start a cult. Like a neo-pagan revival of some sorts. It will take a lot of pondering to determine which God of the Parthenon I want to favor. Perhaps I will fuck that and just start building large Parthenon across the world. I'm going to teach my children stories like the Minotaur, Perseus, The Fall of Troy, Hades & Persephone and act deeply offended at the schools who say these are just myths.

The best pleasure in life is not in poking the bear, but the way the bear roars as if you just sliced off his vitals. Humans, they grow so curiouser and curioser by the day.