What would RTH do?

That is the question.

If I were in a highschool yearbook, they would vote me most likely to die of a lynch mob. That does not prevent me from opening my mouth and serving a warm hearty cup of STFU to people who deserve it. My dark scathing humor will leave no matter of existence untouched. My innocence will touch your soul.

Welcome to a warped world turned inside out and upside down. All sorts of discretion advised.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Eco-Terrorism

Way back in the days of old we had the stone age, bronze age, iron age - and all that jazz. There was the medieval and there was the Renaissance. Then came the industrial age and the computer age. Ideally we should be in the space age or something futuristic like that.

However, it appears that we are in some sort of a 'green age'. Our world is undergoing what they call a green revolution. Poor Henry Ford must be rolling in his grave. I doubt that our Ford ever imagined that our world would be interested in all things pretty and green like flowers. One has to stop and ponder if there ever be a day where we drive Ford Hyacinths and Ford Tulips.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not against environmentalism. In fact I am actually a tree hugger of sorts. I love the environment, I am concerned about climate change and I truly worry what the future of the world will be considering our mindless waste and consumption. I try to reduce, reuse and recycle as much as I can. I try to buy fresh and organic whenever I can afford it. Despite that I have to admit that this green revolution thing can be a bit overboard at times.

Anything and everything is green these days. In fact the green thing has gone so far that oranges might be getting a complex as a racial minority. If Eiffel 65 had chosen to release their hit single in today's age they probably would have been singing 'I'm Green da da dee da ba' accompanied with a bizzare surrealistic recyle video. The in thing is to slap and slather green on everything. It so appears that there might be a day where lime green pant suits and mint green convertibles will be in vogue again simply because it has green in in. Whether you are in the market for farm fresh produce or noisy polluting power tools, you can count on having green in it.

In fact a while back I heard a rumor that they planned to make 100 mpg fuel efficient green (green as in eco-friendly not the color) Hummers. Could you imagine the biggest baddest behemoth of a car, that was conjured for the sole purpose of guzzling gas faster than a frat boy can chug beer, the epitome of wasteful American consumerism actually turning into something that cares for the environment? Oh the horror! That would be the worst thing to hit planet earth since Avril Lavigne got happy.

Although the Hummer going green is not as much of a shocker as another one on the news earlier this year. Osama Bin Laden released another one of his famous video tapes. For those of you who live under a rock and do not know who Bin Laden is - he is a really really bad guy. He is a sadistic combination of Waldo and Carmen Sandiego who seems to take pleasure in having his minions blow people up, especially western people. In simple world he is known as a terrorist, the mothership of terrorism actually.

Anyway this new tape of his criticized the USA for destroying the environment. He warned people of global warning and commanded them to make immediate changes to preserve nature. I'm sure even the ostriches in Africa lifted their heads out the sand and exclaimed 'WTF' mate. So now we have the poster boy of blowing things up with chemicals and electronic detonation devices, bringing down sky scrapers and flinging debris in the air, jumping on the green bandwagon.

Thusly the word is introduced to another whole new breed of eco-terrorism. Gone are the genial old hippies, donning bright batik colors, reeking of weed and rescuing lab rats. Welcome to the world of green jihad and terrorism. Its all about loving the environment.

We probably now have little Salim in some extremist brainwashing camp conjuring up an organic home grown way to blow himself plus ten. I wonder what type of programming the terrorists watch - John and Kate blow up eighty eight, 30 rock stoning, Sharia and Fatwa: Bush victims Unit?

Actually when you sit down and think about it, this eco-terrorism thing is not a bad idea at all. You probably cannot get a gun or any sort of weapon onto a plane or place of interest. Heck you cannot even accidentally bring a blade for your Venus for women razor, forget sneaking in bombs and other shizzle. But they probably will not catch a pack of wooden spears dipped in fatal Brazilian frog skin poison wrapped neatly in incense sticks. Just install in straws provided by the plane staff and blow. Oh and Jesus, I might dare fight a man armed with two AK-47 - but I would cover in fear at a two year old armed with skunk gas, racoon urine, or someone just throwing rotten putrid carcass. Imagine packing swarms of locusts or bee hives in your suitcases and having security open it.

I have to clarify that I am by no means a terrorist nor do I condone such activities. I merely happen to have a deviant thought process. As a token of my goodwill and integrity I will share my profound theory on terror, terrorists, terrorism and how to solve this global issue.

Hot N' Cold. It is not just a Katy Perry song. It is the basis of my theory. Excessive heat causes all sorts of reactions in people. People become delirious. In the hot torrid deserts they see mirages and all sorts of illusions. Basically, too much heat causes people to lose their senses. The Middle East is in what we call of the earths hot zones. The sun beats down hard and dry, pummeling the mind of people into submission. Some feel that indoor snow parks and lots of shopping and tall buildings will save them of their madness. Others who are not so resilient dream of virgins and how they can attain them by killing people.

On the other hand cold cools people down. Too much cold causes freezing. It numbs the brain and senses. The colder it gets, the more the tendency to wrap oneself in soft fuzzies, lay by the fire, making smores and watching happy lovey dovey movies. Cold also means a lot of work. When you burn all the calories you eat all week, digging yourself out of the house each morning, you don't have the time or energy to think about much else. Kill others? Why you would pay someone to shoot you down and end your winter of misery. Case in point have we ever had Eskimo terrorists or terrorists from cold frigid parts of the world.

Solution? The solution is two fold.
1) Make all the bad terrorists who are captured and in prison shovel snow. Let us God fearing tax paying Americans sit at home with soft fuzzies, roaring fires, smores and romantic comedies. Make the bad terrorists do our work. Imagine the implications if we had them working their butts of during our recent Snowmageddon. Lets send some to Canada too, and also Alaska where we can make Palin director of snow clear terror camp. One hard storm and these terrorists will be groveling for mercy. They will write home about the horrors claiming how waterboarding and other forms of torture seem like summer vacation in front of the work of the frigid north.

2) For all the fringe people who have not yet killed. Send them to the most brutal winter towns with blistering cold wind chills that freeze the skin in seconds for vacation. The cold will calm them down and slowly metamorphise them into Americans who huddle in fuzzies around fires eating smores.

The final thing to remember is that global warming is a really serious concern. Only Satan's spawn would tell you not to worry. Why won't it just be like Satan to want to make the earth hot as hell, turn our rivers and seas into boiling cauldrons and the earth into smoldering pits of torture. Only Satan would want a world like this so he can expand his domain and take us away from God. God is calm and cool, like a cool spring breeze that rustles through the hair whispering melodic spring music. If we do not fight global warming Satan shall rise from the depths and make life living hell. We will be dropped in the cauldron of seas. If we want Jesus to save us, we have to make the world a cool place where he can function. Most importantly only by fighting global warming can we fight back terror and give it a fatal blow. For when we fight global warming we fight the reasons for being delirious and stupid for having brains fried in the excess heat.

Save the planet. Reduce, Reuse and Recycle. Love mother nature and earth.

Jesus Saves. But going green backs up and encrypts too.